My body doesn't work

I never fully appreciated how much I use my neck until today.

Of course I've had a sore neck before. I work at a computer and I have bad posture. I am familiar with neck pain.

But today I woke up with such a sore neck that I couldn't move it in any direction. It wasn't just stiff, it was immobile. And any effort to force it into movement resulted in an echoing pain. Getting out of bed was an exhausting process that I hope I never have to experience again. But realistically, I know that things like this will only get worse with age.

Let's be clear; I am not very old. I'm in my early 30s, and take relatively good care of myself with diet and exercise.

But my body doesn't work.

I know that seems like an over exaggeration of a dramatic 30-something, but it's true. My body has been failing me since I was a child. My childhood was riddled with illnesses, some common and some dangerously rare.

Colds. Strep throat. Mono.

Meningitis.

I've always stayed optimistic about it though. I can handle getting strep throat for the 11th time or my 5th common cold this year. And the side effects of meningitis are frustrating but familiar.

But as I've gotten older and more capable, so too it seems have the attacks on my body. I spent my 20s feeling exhausted, only to find out after years of tests and being gaslight by doctors that I have an autoimmune disease that attacks my thyroid.

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

I started on medication for that and instantly felt better. But of course, with time something changed and the symptoms came back, as did the gaslighting.

As I type this I can't help but look at the fingers on my right hand. They curve towards my pinky in a way that is new and unfamiliar. The joints have subtle, yet painful swelling.

Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I've developed allergies to many common foods. Including wheat, shrimp, and sunflower oil. Did you know that sunflower oil is in EVERYTHING? It is. At least it feels like everything.

I'm not even going to start in on the mental aspect of all this. The ADHD, brain fog, memory loss. Those are topics for another day.

Today, I just wanted to vent about my body. It might seem petty, it might seem like an overreaction. But as someone who has more physical and mental struggles than many of my 50 year old friends, I can't help but feel like my body just another thing about me that doesn't work.

I know perspective is important. I know it could be worse, much worse. But that never seemed to give me much comfort or acceptance. I don't want it to get worse, but I know it's going to. Physical struggles don't get better with age.

They get worse.

So as I lay here with an aching neck, blowing mucus out of my nose that most likely signifies an oncoming cold... I will try not to think about the struggles in future, and I will try not to think about the struggles right now.

That's what movies are for.

Today's image: a still from a movie I find too relatable.